


the kübler-ross of principle grieving

by daengbit



Series: there is always calm before the storm [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: "Trashbin" Is Here, Double B is not Dead, Junhwan implied crush, M/M, No Chanwoo because it's pre-debut, One Huge Fluff, Sorry my beloved son, StubbornBin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 22:46:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13961691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daengbit/pseuds/daengbit
Summary: Hanbin and Jiwon get into a fight and, as per usual, Jiwon is apologetic and Hanbin just makes it difficult. It just so happens to be the day before Jiwon travels to Virginia, and when he's not there Hanbin has to keep trying to ignore the whispers on his ears, as he undergoes all the stages of grieving for the loss of his slowly decaying pride.





	the kübler-ross of principle grieving

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I write a whole story in more than five years, go easy on me. I plan on making this part of a series, so I'M SORRY MY SON CHANU YOU WILL BE IN THE NEXT PART FOR SURE AH. It's so hard. I kept writing him in scenes and remembering he wasn't there so I had to just edit the poor guy out. 
> 
> Have fun reading!

There was an awkward, heavy silence in the room. The only eventual sound was a shift of position of someone in the couch, a page being turned from a magazine, a silent cough or clearing of throat, a sniff or sigh. Hanbin stared blankly at the computer screen, the fifteen minute pause of their dance practice being carried out in a very unusual way. Regardless of their hardships, at this time everyone is usually goofing around, laughing, trying to get their heads off of the routine stress that they've been through, but not this time. This time everyone seemed to eye Hanbin in a weird way, five pairs of eyes glaring at him until he finally snapped.

 

"Would you all please drop it."

 

"You know Jiwon probably sulked the entire flight to America just because you couldn't forgive him before he took off." Jinhwan replied matter-of-factly, sort of verbalizing everyone's thoughts and lecturing Hanbin at the same time. "He said sorry."

"He always says sorry but he keeps doing it again and again. He's irresponsible, I'm angry."

A sigh, a grunt, a page flipped harshly and Hanbin finally got up. "Look, I'm angry, I won't forgive anyone I'm still angry at, no matter what stupid reason you come up with. I needed time-out."

"Your time-out literally has the worst timing." Yunhyeong inferred and Hanbin refrained from yelling because, well, they weren't as close as he was with Jinhwan that he felt comfortable discussing. "Once it's over, he's not gonna magically appear back here. You're gonna miss him."

 _"I'm not gonna miss that stupid brat."_ He sneered back so fast it almost cut Yunhyeong off. "...I don't expect you guys to understand but if I'm making everyone moody then I'll rest at the studio." Quite literally thumping out the door, he went to lock himself at the trustworthy, never-judging studio.

He sat down, closing his eyes and attempting at meditating. It was stupid, all of it. Jiwon forgot to save the file they'd been working on the entire night, and then kept trying to recover it up until morning instead of listening to advice and rebuilding everything, wasted a lot of time and effort and completely ignored Hanbin's words. Bobby's stubbornness was always a cause for fights, and this time it wouldn't be different just because they weren't going to reconcile the very next day. No, absolutely not.

 

"..."

 

Although it did feel a bit weird not being able to talk it out, Hanbin felt like the time-out from Jiwon was sort of a good thing. I mean, it should be, right? He should be glad he had time for himself, since most of his life had been shared with the other boy, for some weird reason, like they were joined at the hip or something. _This is an opportunity for him to know his actions have consequences,_ Hanbin thought, "hmpf"ing to himself in satisfaction. Yes, that was good enough for now, to think like that was substantially making himself feel less guilty and less like wanting to message Kim Bobby.

Yes, because obviously, it all came down to how much Hanbin _wanted_ to be right versus how much of an ass he felt for not forgiving Jiwon before he went to meet his family. And if he didn't take care, the latter would easily win.

  


 

"It's all wrong, it's wrong, stop." He called out, halting the practice as he stood and huffed, feeling frustrated as Junhoe and Yunhyeong didn't seem to execute the choreo on the right beat. "You guys know we've been getting recorded and it probably means we'll get TV exposure, so you can't take it easy, there's no time to relax."

The both of them looked down, a bit sour, but understanding his point either way, as Hanbin marched to stand between the four of them. He showed the corrected routine, executing it on the correct beat and tempo, then running a hand through his hair once they _almost_ got it, "Ah, well, it's better but it needs to be even better, Jiwon-hyung can you practice with them-" 

He stopped.

Everyone stopped.

Hanbin's eyes grew larger by the second they stood in awkward silence. He swallowed, a lump suddenly in his throat, his stomach flipping and embarrassment possessing his body completely.

 

"... Uh, he's not here..."

 

"I know that. I meant… Jinhwan-hyung, I was gonna say one thing and I said another. Because um, I am frustrated so. It's just that, right."

"But wouldn't it make more sense for Donghyukie to walk us through?" Yunhyeong was annoyingly logical sometimes, and Hanbin shot him a glare that maybe, just maybe, said _please let this go_ , feeling heat creeping under the skin of his cheeks and painting his ears pink.  

"Just- One of you two help them, I'm gonna rewatch the video." And he quickly bolted back to his place in front of the mirror, grabbing the camera they used to monitor themselves and slouching as he watched it, although not even 2% of his brain was actually focused on the dance.

 

_"... You already miss me, you tried ignoring me while I was there but now that I'm not you wanna talk to me? Geez, Hanbinie. That hurts."_

 

"Shh." Hanbin whispered under his breath, the voice as unwelcome as a burglar in his brain. He clicked his tongue in disbelief. What the hell was happening.

 

The first stage is denial.  
  
  


 

It had been three days now that Jiwon was in Virginia. Although they all seemed to be handling it pretty well individually, as not everyone was so used to being close all the time and Jinhwan had his moments traveling to Jeju, as well as other members who liked to sometimes go back and forth when they had a little bit of free time, they all agreed that Jiwon's absence was probably going to be a traumatic experience and if possible, it shouldn't happen again.

Hanbin was a pretty scary guy in the studio and in the dance room, he had always been like that and they were used to it. What they were NOT used to was Hanbin being scary OUTSIDE of the practice room and studio. It's much like when you enter a danger zone in video-games and the background music changes to a high tension one, but this time when you step back into safe zones the music _continues_ , it never stops, a monster could get you any time now, no matter what the random encounter possibility was and the team was on full 24h alert.

 

"Why didn't you separate your dirty clothes? Do you think we're supposed to live in trash? We might as well rent this place as a junkyard, why not? Huh?"

 

Donghyuk flinched, blinking very slowly. The gears on his brain turned carefully. He had no idea how to respond that. " _S-sorry?_ " He ventured, small voice, his lips shaking ever so slightly.

Jinhwan sighed, crossing his arms, impatient as he went into the living room and the scene unfolded. "Please control your temper. God, they need to invent a Bobby-patch, like a nicotine patch that you just use when you're in abstinence of Kim Bob."

Hanbin growled, "It has literally nothing to do with that. Why is it _so_ damn hard to keep dirty socks in place of dirty socks? Is it such an impossible task? Will anyone's arms fall out right away- Oh no I cannot pick up a SOCK my entire ARM might fall off!"

At this point Junhoe was also at the living room, standing besides Jinhwan and trying his best not to snicker too much, chortling into the sleeve of his sweater and pretending to cough. Hanbin was so obvious, his behaviour was obvious for everyone. He continued on rambling, now only buying himself time, feeling the heat dangerously approaching again.

 

_"Lashing out at Donghyuk is really gonna solve all your problems? Look at the sock in your hand, it's clearly not his either."_

 

There it was. The annoying, unmistakable voice, chanting so cheerfully inside his brain, like a record he could play on cue. He groaned, loudly and then stopped for a moment to look at the sock, squinting. It was an old sock, there was a hole in the place of the thumb, an old Pooh-themed sock that was found dirty even though most clothes were washed last night, unless the owner of the piece of clothing wasn't even there to put it to wash in first place.

He threw the sock right in the garbage. Then turned to face Donghyuk.

"If the sock isn't your why don't you just say so right away? _God._ " He stormed out slamming the door on his way to the bathroom as he did. Donghyuk hiccuped, still scared, finally breathing in but maybe inhaling too quickly.

 

"You know it's nothing personal, right? Although it doesn't make it alright for that assmunch to lash out at you." Jinhwan's comforting hand found Donghyuk's shoulder. The youngest nodded.

"Yeah… It's still scary though."

"He's only bark, his bite is usually lighter than you'd expect."

"When is Bobby-hyung coming back? I just want this to be over..."

 

Later Hanbin would come out and take the sock out of the trash, then reserve it to be washed at the next laundry day.

 

The second stage is anger.

  


 

Yunhyeong felt his whole body stop moving, freeze in place as he felt the soft hand brush against his arm, turning his head almost robotically to inspect what caused such an event. Hanbin was sitting, notepad on his lap, biting the end of his pencil with one hand and the other was… Yeah, it was caressing his arm. He didn't misunderstood, no, Yunhyeong was being caressed. 

_That's… New?_

He glanced around, finding Donghyuk's eyes, the younger boy also freezing in place once he realized the dire look on the older's face. That looked all sorts of out of place.

 

"What do you think about this verse?"

 

The hoarse voice came out very mellow, more gentle than he'd ever talked to Yunhyeong before. The older swallowed, brows furrowing as he leaned over to read the lyrics Hanbin had scribbled down. To him, not that he was completely ignorant, but he didn't have any particular inclination towards songwriting, and he felt like a fish attempting to fly as he scanned the page.

"I… Uh… Well, it's…" Hanbin was looking at him expectantly, eyes big and clear, an image he didn't understand in any possible way, "... It sounds ok?" His voice sounded anything but sure, but still Hanbin smiled and nodded, as if he was contented with having someone praise him for now. His caressing hand dared to lock around Yunhyeong's bicep and cling to it somewhat persistently.

They stayed like this for quite a long moment. Donghyuk coughed gingerly, as if he was trying to diminish the tension in the atmosphere but somehow Hanbin was in a world completely different of the other boy's. If Kim Donghyuk wanted to just strip off his shirt and dance around naked not even then would the boy snap out of it.

His body shifted ever so slightly so he could drop his head on Yunhyeong's shoulder, at this point Donghyuk just fled the scene completely because _no, that's too much._ As if that wasn't enough, Hanbin quite literally bunted on his shoulder, rubbing his head like a cat, as if that was the most normal thing ever. It sent chills down Yunhyeong's spine because, yeah, he'd seen that before, but with only one other person and that person was NOT him.

 

"So, maybe..." He started, tentatively, peeking up at the older boy's face, looking much like a cautious kid who was about to ask for ice cream, "I was thinking… You could come and… Compose with m-"

"AH." Yunhyeong stood up quickly, "Hanbin-ah… Sorry but… I gotta pee." Hanbin lowered his pencil at the comment, slightly started by the sudden movement.

"Oh," he interjected, "I'll come with."

 

 _Oh no_ , Yunhyeong thought, closing his eyes and nodding, forcing a smile full of awkwardness that Hanbin completely cluelessly did not sense, the older making a silent prayer, _Jiwon please come back soon, I don't know if this is gonna end well…_

They walked towards the bathroom, Hanbin with his hands on his pockets, mind completely blank to any signs of what he did not want to admit.

But the voice was there.

_"Really, you replaced me now! And for someone of my exact age, too. That's horrible, you can't replace me, that's not how it works."_

Hanbin ignored it. He wouldn't fall for that again.

_"The lyrics could use some changing, too, you're getting lazy just 'cause I'm not there?."_

"Shut up, hyung."

He stopped in his tracks, Yunhyeong stopping as well and shooting his brows up, "Uh…?"

"No, not you, no- Hyung." Hanbin turned on his heels, looking desperate, his face reaching a whole new level of red that Yunhyeong could not - and would not attempt to - comprehend. "I just- I remembered something, I gotta go back and work on the lyrics before I forget, ok? That shut up- I was telling myself to shut up, it's kinda like a habit, haha, sorry I'm uh going back-"

Before he could even answer, Hanbin was dashing back to the studio, Yunhyeong blinking incredulous. "... At least I can pee alone."

 

The third stage is bargaining.

  
  
  


Hanbin was nowhere around. Last time that happened he simply did not show up for hours and hours and they found him sitting in a park, the farthest place from the dorms possible, "collecting his thoughts" and Yunhyeong was sure to give him a good lecture for that. It was the obvious place to look at when they couldn't find him.

They went to cafes around the area, the studio, the practice room. He simply was nowhere to be found.

"Do you think he flew to Virginia?" Everyone was returning to their dorms upon practice being called out by the staff, since they had to look for Hanbin. They entered the room gloomy, so Jinhwan attempted at a silly comment, maybe to lift their spirits. Donghyuk, bless his soul, laughed weakly. "I'm sure he's just sulking somewhere, I think he's at the fourth stage now."

"Fourth stage?" Junhwe frowned slightly, "... He's mourning? Wow." He laughed, incredulous.

"He needs to come back right now, does Bobby-hyung even kno-" Donghyuk's question was cut short by a grunt, no, more like a lament, a ghastly whimper that sounded like a ghost was inhabiting the dorms, it was triggered at the exact moment that the boy said the word "Bobby". They all stood, frozen, looking towards the source of the noise, one of the rooms in which Jiwon's bed was in, but there seemed to be no one there, only Jiwon's own pile of mess and the other beds and- "... Wait."

The youngest approached said pile of "mess" carefully, pulling at the blankets and feeling a hard surface, "Oh shi-" He jumped, startled, as the "surface" moved abruptly.

It was Hanbin's face showing up on a hole of the pile of Jiwon's clothes. Hanbin had basically buried himself in anything that resembled his recent state of spirit. Like the big baby that buries himself in pillows in the Spirited Away movie, but somehow he managed to whine even more than the baby.

 

"... _What do you want."_

 

The voice was hoarse, almost as if that man had not spoken for 24 hours at least. Hanbin was unwashed and unshaved, hair a complete dismantled greasy mess, puffy eyes and grubby face.

"Oh," Jinhwan clicked his tongue and then, snapped. "Oh no. Oh no no no, that's it." Charging forward and pushing Donghyuk out of the way, he grabbed at the clothes, completely pulling off and throwing away the mess on top of the boy - who by the way screamed as if someone had stabbed him.

" _No!"_ he pleaded pathetically, it was the shadow of a man, not even a real human being. Jinhwan basically ripped Hanbin apart from Jiwon's bed, fire in his eyes as he did it, no one even daring to say anything. Yunhyeong turned on the lights, to which Hanbin absolutely shrieked in despair.

"That's so pitiful," Junhwe's mouth could be dripping venom and it wouldn't be an overstatement. "We've discovered the fossil of the rapper B.I."

The three remaining men jumped away from the door as soon as Jinhwan started very literally _dragging_ Hanbin over to the bathroom, already stripping him naked as he did. "You pathetic mess go shower _right now_ , you _stink_ , and you are no longer Kim Hanbin, you have just been demoted to _Trashbin._ "

Snickers, held back laughter. A sad whimper and Hanbin was being pushed into the bathroom almost butt-naked.

"I want you to think about your actions while you're in there." His predator posture was activated, Jinhwan was finally at the edge. "You screamed at Donghyuk for a _sock,_ you practically _molested_ Yunhyeong, the poor guy. When you come out you are gonna text Jiwon and say you're sorry and talk to him and I don't want to hear anything else from you until then."

"But I don't-"

"I swear to **God.** "

Hanbin shut his mouth at the tone, but also at Jinhwan's most terrifying command face. Junhwe discreetly leaned towards Donghyuk, whispering under his breath "Is it weird that his _King of Hell_ face is arousing to me," and was promptly shushed amongst snickering. Finally, Kim Trashbin went into the shower, and tension seemed to be lifted from the house at last.

Stage four was depression, it was supposed to last a few more days, but Jinhwan was having none of that.

  
  


 

His cellphone screen had been open at a _kakaotalk_ chat for the past hour now. Hanbin was sitting at the living room table, contemplating his life choices and being punished by all Gods for being so stubborn. He tried, he really tried remembering the reason he had been so mad in first place. The reason they fought, the reason he didn't want to forgive Jiwon. It seemed to be a stupid reason if Hanbin couldn't bring himself to remember it at any cost.

There was nothing left at this point but accept the death of his principles. He had no principles, he had nothing, not if it stood in the way of himself and his source of strength. If one wasn't there, the other didn't feel complete.

 

 _From:_ **_Kimbob_ **

_I've arrived!_

_The airport is so different. Ha_

_How's everything?_

_(sent on Monday)_

 

_Is everything alright?_

_You're still mad… Ok_

_(sent on Tuesday)_

 

_Hey, good morning. Good practice today._

_Hey, Jinan hyung says u were hellish today. Give them some peace, u know they try their best!_

_(sent on Wednesday)_

 

_I miss u dude._

_Send me lyrics I wanna help!_

_(sent on Thursday)_

 

_My mom says hi! She wants to see u soon._

_I hope we debut soon. I want her to hug u, she gives good hugs._

_She might call u "baby", don't reject her._

_(sent on Friday)_

 

_Hey._

_(sent one hour ago)_

 

Hanbin sighed.

Ok. It was time to finally let go, he didn't have any willpower left to fight. Jiwon may have been like a sort of drug he had undergone abstinence, but if he was an addict it seemed to be a healthy addiction, because that was one hell of a clean week. Admittedly, he didn't want to be clean from that specific drug, the high he got was too great to reject, and it didn't pollute his body either. It was the healthiest of the possible drugs he could've chosen for his body and no one was gonna deny him that.

 

 _From:_ **_Hanbinie_ **

_Hyung._

_When are you coming back?_

 

His heart thumped as he pressed enter, swallowing thick saliva, feeling his hands shake ever so slightly. Why was that so difficult? It was just Jiwon. Just good old Bobby, the angel, who never did anything too wrong that couldn't be righted, church momma's boy Bobby who lifted him up when no one else could. He didn't have to be nervous, that was ridiculous.

 

(✓ Seen 11:32 PM)

 

"Oh what the fuck." He swore out loud when it had been ten whole minutes that he'd been staring at his phone and Jiwon had literally not even typed anything. What, really now, he'd be given the cold shoulder now. That's how it was then? Yeah? Alright, that was fine, he didn't need him.

 

… Except he did.

 

 _From:_ **_Hanbinie_ **

_I'm sorry, so sorry, please talk to me_

_Can you come back sooner?_

_No I know you gotta be with your family, sorry_

_I'm so selfish, but I really need you_

 

He inhaled, reading over the stupid emotional shit he was spilling all over but somehow he was out of control, maybe being deprived of the boy for so much time was too much? It was just the tip of the iceberg and now he was this clingy, needy, monstrous mess of a human that didn't even know how to spare someone of his overwhelming feelings?

"Hanbin-ah"

Now he was just going mental, hearing his voice everywhere he went, everything he did, there was the voice. Grunting, his fingers continued typing, madness ensued, his face scrunching up as if he'd start to cry at any second now.

 

 _From:_ **_Hanbinie_ **

_Please just forgive me please talk to me I can't_

_Stand this I just need you to reply_

_Bobby_

_Jiwon_

_Please talk to mfkgdl_

 

The phone dropped on the table with a loud thud as he jumped on his seat, heart beating at a hundred beats per second, as wide-eyed as a doe in headlights. Strong arms were wrapped around his shoulders, a goddamn surprise _back hug_ that made him tense up completely to the roots of his hair.

"W-what." The voice, Jiwon's voice, and now Jiwon's arms. Was his hallucination just too real? Was he actually going insane?

"I'm back! Did you miss me?" The angelical voice entered his ears like a melodic harp, as easy as a soft breeze in a spring morning, as sweet as honey and strawberry shortcake. Ah, real, it was real, but as fast as it came it went, Jiwon suddenly backing off as he stuttered. "Oh sh- Sorry, I-I forgot you were mad for a second. My bad."

Hanbin got up from his seat, turning on his heels and finally facing the boy. He looked tired from flight and jet-lagged, but a pretty sight to sore eyes, irradiating warmth as he'd always been. Thin slit eyes somewhat puffy from possible farewell crying and sleepiness combined, lips chapped from the long hours inside a cold airplane, but nonetheless he was there, greeting Hanbin cheerfully, not ever saying one bad thing. Not even when Hanbin was being so unfair.

He didn't deserve that. But he still pushed himself onto Jiwon and hugged him tightly, still, he was selfish and wanted to have him back. Drowning himself in the warmth of his spirit again, as he was hugged back almost instantly.

"Sorry, I'll listen to you next time… I reflected well on my actions, y'know," Jiwon commented, soft spoken, passive.

"... No, it's fine, I was… Too much. You don't need to apologize anymore, not for now at least."

Hanbin withdrew from the hug, finally, and gandered at Jiwon's face, smiling with his crooked teeth out, the familiar rodent crescent-eye smile, suddenly the room becoming too comfortable and Hanbin's ears getting heated up.

"Oh, Bobby's here." Jinhwan's voice woke Hanbin up from his thoughts, as he basically leaped back and against the chair he'd been sitting on, surprised, sort of not wanting to be caught so close to Jiwon. For... Some reason. "Finally. Hanbin's been lashing at everybody, I think next time you should probably take him with you. It's unbearable."

"Yeah, he made Donghyuk cry."

"ALMOST cry. I did not cry."

"You did too!"

Jiwon could only laugh at the friendly banter between Junhwe and Donghyuk, undressing his big coat and stepping forward as everyone discussed cheerfully and suddenly it was a family's house again. Hanbin allowed himself a few moments of quietude, since he'd done so much, and caused trouble for being too turbulent of a human being when his feelings were unattended to.

He was, however, rescued back to reality by the soft brush of a pinky finger against his, glancing down and identifying the most subtle of the types of affection signs Jiwon could ever show, the kind that was meant for his eyes only.

"Guys it's fine, I'm here now, the hero has returned home."

"Shut up, don't get cocky."

"There's nothing wrong with having a bit of confidence, right? I know all of you need me, it's nothing new."

"Oh no someone stop his ego before it's too late. I don't wanna get hurt when it explodes."

Hanbin lifted his head, the word "need" awakening him to a truth he'd chosen to forget.

"Don't read your messages." He pleaded hurriedly.

"What."

"Don't. Just, don't read them. Don't." Hanbin was panicking, basically bouncing up and down in anxiousness and Jiwon, of course, shot his brows up in curiosity and pulled his phone from his pocket, "What are you doing I explicitly told you not to-"

"It's like the forbidden fruit now! You're doing this to yourself."

"You're a christian for crying out loud! You know what happens when you eat the fruit- Stop, stop that- Give it here- Oh hell." Hanbin tried every way possible of getting the phone from his hands with no success and then resorted to his last option. Obviously, he was no coward, he'd face this face first and get ready to accept the consequences- Once he had fled from the scene. "I'll be at the studio haha, good bye now."

And gone he was. Wearing pajamas and all. It was all sorts of embarrassment that he most likely deserved for causing all of that, but had he stayed and confronted the situation, he'd be gifted with the small smile and flushed cheeks that were presented when Jiwon finally read the texts, as he covered his eyes with his arm, sleeves a tad too big and adorable, too caught up in his turbulent feelings to answer everyone asking what the texts said, why was Jiwon so red in the face, why was he laughing nervously.

 

 

Hanbin would later check the group chat and see a picture of the moment, though.

Followed by a spirituous message of "Get a room" by Koo Junhwe himself. And if he giggled like a college boy in love, it was only because stage five never felt better.

 

Rest in Peace, principles. Nobody needs you anyway.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a nice comment if you enjoyed it. Talk to me about Double B on twitter! (@bennyindaeyo)


End file.
